He is lost in the ruin of himself and we must bring him home. #Dr.Who
There's something about that statement that rings so true for me. Something that reached a place deep inside. A place of truth.
I am lost and I don't know how to find my way home.
I have to confess, the last three years have been some of the hardest years of my life. Hard in all the ways that life is hard. Hard in all the ways that anything worth having is hard. Hard in all the ways that mean sometimes you have to face the ugly truths you work so hard to keep hidden.
I have been betrayed. Betrayed by church. Betrayed by people. Betrayed by myself.
But the hardest thing to confess? I have been the betrayer.
That's a burden I wouldn't want anyone to have to carry. The weight of that statement alone, is at times, more than I can bear. But I don't know quite how to let go of it. What I do know how to do is hold onto it and let bitterness take root. I know how to turn that bitterness into a weapon that I'm really skilled at wielding. But bitterness is a nasty, two edged sword that inflicts just as much damage to the one who uses it as it does to those it is used against.
There it is. The ugly truth of who and where I am right now. Oh, I know how to put on the mask of everything is fine. I learned that well from the church. But I'm not fine. Not by a long shot. But I want to be. So maybe this is my cry for help. This is my confession is good for the soul moment.
Right now, I'm hanging by a thread. Maybe it's hope. I'm not even sure I know what that is any more. Maybe it's just that innate desire to survive. I don't know. I've prayed more prayers than I can count. I've cried more tears than any one person should have to do. I've begged shamelessly. I've shouted curses heavenward. Yet, I'm left with more questions than answers and that's frustrating as hell.
But I also think that it's okay. I think, sometimes, we have to sit with our doubts and our questions in order to recognize the answers when they do come. I have to believe there is something holy in the questioning. That in this weariness I'll find some holy ground to rest in.
The Lonely Road
This path I'm on is lonely
I'm afraid to look ahead
Dying for someone to see me
Understand what I've left unsaid
I wonder why you've left me
On this dark and lonely road
Can't find my way back or forward
Don't want to reap this pain I sowed
Bending under the weight of guilt
Looking to place the blame
Not wanting to own my part in this
Carry this burden, this shame
Where are you when I need you
When my heart is bleeding and broken
When prayers are left unanswered
And reasons are left unspoken
Where do I find the courage
Why do I run away
How do I defeat the demons
I'm left with in the grey...
Father, save me from the ruin of myself...
"Where there is sorrow there is holy ground."