There are days I wish I could be more like the me that you all see here on my blog. The me that’s in control, even while struggling, and still appears to have all my stuff somewhat together. The me that’s smart and funny and mostly coherent.
But, this is real life. Where there’s no backspace key. Where there’s no going back and re-reading to check for content and clarity. Where there’s no editing. You know, taking out the things that don’t make sense. Or the things you know you shouldn’t say. The things that are going to hurt someone, and hurt them badly. The things that are going to come back and bite you on the ass!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the me you see here is not the real me. It is. I’m honest about the things I’m going through and don’t have a problem giving my opinion on things. I’m not afraid to throw an f-bomb when needed, challenge the way the church handles things, or very publicly question God where my own faith is concerned. But this is very definitely an edited version of me.
Ugh! All the feelings. It’s a scary thing for me to allow myself to feel all the things. It’s liberating and frightening at the same time. Allowing myself to feel. Really feel things like anger and hatred. Betrayal and jealousy. Love and happiness. Forgiveness and trust. There are days I feel like the proverbial pinball, bouncing off said feelings one right after the other. It’s exhausting. And gratifying. And yes, terrifying all at the same time. To know that I am capable of feeling things so strongly if I just let go. And letting go is so hard for me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always end well. For some reason, it’s much easier to allow the negative feelings to have their way than the positive ones. And the negative feelings only serve to reinforce the walls I’ve built. I imagine it’s because they don’t require quite as much trust. Trust is, after all, at the crux of all of this for me. And of course, the enemy is having a field day with me and all the feelings.
And because of all the feelings, relationships have been tested. Some have been pushed to the breaking point. Some have simply been broken. I know that in the midst of all of this testing and breaking, I am being transformed. And transformation is indeed a messy business.
These quotes from “Pastrix” by Nadia Bolz-Weber really sum this all up perfectly…
“It’s about how God continues to reach into the graves we dig for ourselves and pull us out, giving us new life, in ways both dramatic and small.”
“The truth does crush us, but the instant it crushes us, it somehow puts us back together into something honest. It’s death and resurrection every time it happens.”
“We want to go to God for answers, but sometimes what we get is God’s presence.”
Thankfully, He doesn’t mind our messes and understands all the feelings. Today, I’m glad I have His presence. That is, after all, the whole point of the cross.