I am Eve’s daughter in all of the obvious ways. I have walked unashamed in the garden with God. Shared all of the ugly, broken pieces of my heart with Him. And I was becoming comfortable with my brokenness, trusting He was fashioning something beautiful out of the chaos.

Then some really shitty stuff happened. And my trust wavered . . .

There are moments when I know He is here. Moments when I know there are things I can learn from all of this. Things that are necessary for me to learn. There are days I find myself walking alone, wondering where He is. Wandering aimlessly, waiting to hear His voice again. Needing to know why this is happening. And much like Eve, I find myself listening to the serpent.

All this shit that’s happening? It’s your own fault. You deserve every hurt, every heartache. None of these things would have happened to you if you had been more attractive. More desirable. More talented. More creative. More willing to love. More trustworthy. More apt to give grace instead of judgement. 

You. Are. Not. Enough.
 And like Eve, I have believed the lies the serpent has told me. So thoroughly that I have let my hurt turn to bitterness and my bitterness, shamefully, to hatred. A hatred so fierce that it has consumed my every waking moment. Even though I know better. And yet, as I write this, I have to confess to giving in to the hatred once again. All because I am allowing the lies of the enemy to carry more weight than the truth of my Father. Because, like Eve, I find it easier to run and hide when He calls. Easier to hide than to trust He can handle my doubts. Easier to hide than to trust He can handle my fears. Easier to hide than to trust He can handle my insecurities. Easier to hide than to trust that He is always good. 
So, like Eve, I am hiding in the garden. I know He is out there. Calling me. Thankfully waiting patiently. And maybe, just maybe, this is my first step out of the shadows . . .
“Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is light to you.”
Psalm 139:7,11-12

Leave a Reply