2013 was a difficult year for me. The year of Trust…
One of the Hebrew words for trust is b’tach. If you take a look at the Hebrew letters this is comprised of, you get the picture of being on the inside (bet), surrounded (tet), and protected (chet). So, according to this word picture, trust could be defined as abiding and resting inside the goodness of God; protected, embraced and surrounded by His compassion and favor.
A beautiful picture of trust. One that I wish I could tell you I fully embraced. One that I definitely needed yet was terrified of from the beginning.
And of course, I was not disappointed…
This past year came in raging like a hurricane and left me battered and bleeding on the shores of December. There were moments of peace as the storm raged around me. There were moments that found me tossed about between trust and fear, faith and doubt, hope and despair. My tenuous hold on trust found lacking when life happened. In those moments, I found myself thrown against the very rocks I placed around my heart to protect me.
In the aftermath of the storm, tide pools were revealed. There are times that these pools undergo extremes in conditions, making it nearly impossible for anything of value to survive. And just like many of the living things found in these pools, our hearts have become adaptable. We know how to hide and pull back just enough to survive the hard times. The times when we feel like we have nothing; when our hearts are empty and our souls are windburned and dry. Sometimes the over spray from the waves hitting the rocks is all we need to bring life to us in our desert times. Other times the only thing that will make any difference is the high tide. Or the storm.
I apparently needed the storm, and in the early days of 2014, I am finding new life in those pools. Treasures that have been rediscovered in the fury of stormy tides. Beauty in the wreckage of what’s left of my soul…
I am learning that when I trust Him, I can be fearless. When I trust Him, I can truly embrace all He has for me to learn. When I trust Him, I can risk being hurt. I can love, because as the lover of my soul, I can trust Him to take care of my heart.
I am learning that even in the messy and broken, in the devastation left by stormy days (or years), He is always with me. He cares enough about me to make sure there is always beauty to be found. Always a treasure to be discovered. It’s in the small things, the things I have to take the time to look for, that He reminds me I am beloved.
Trust turned my world upside down last year.
As I stand on the shores of this new year, I realize I am weary. I’m making the decision that this year is going to be a little more about self-care.
A little more about silencing the negative soundtrack that accompanies me daily.
A little more about discovering who I am.
A little more about owning who I am.
A little more about believing who I am.
A little more about embracing who I am…
I am His Beloved.