That black hole in my heart is threatening to pull me in. Right now that sounds like a pretty good idea. I’m tired of fighting. It would be so easy to quit. It would be so easy to just let go.
I feel like I am falling apart. Breaking into a thousand pieces that I have no idea how to put back together. As I scramble to gather them all back in I wonder what the hell I’m doing. Confusion, desperation, fear, shame, loneliness – I am drowning in them. It’s hopeless. It doesn’t matter how many pieces I pick up, there are twice that sliding out of my grasp.
Haven’t we all felt this way at one time or another? Yes, when our life is seemingly falling apart, but also when God is tearing down our walls in order to rebuild us. It’s a painful process to let go of the things that have become such a part of us, no matter how unhealthy they are. It totally sucks that we can’t say, ‘ok Lord, whatever you need to do’ and it’s done. I know for me, I need to be totally broken before I will look to Him. Sometimes I think my stubbornness will be my undoing.
Typically, good things are worth fighting for and He is fighting for me. I don’t need to do it anymore. I can let go and rest in the assurance that He holds me.
What love is this? How do I even deserve it? And isn’t that the beauty of it – I don’t deserve it, but He gives it anyway.
I know I can’t do this on my own . . .