“If you have words, write them. If you have brushstrokes, paint them. But by all means – do it out of your winters.”Elora Nicole, A Deeper Story
When I read that I knew I needed to go ahead and just do this. Take the first step – that is, after all, the thing God asks us to do. We need to have the faith to take that first step and boy are first steps are hard for me. Just watching a baby take their first steps you see the struggle – the lack of balance, the lack of coordination, the tentativeness. I am experiencing all of those but they have taken on a harder edge. Fear, insecurity, lack of self esteem – you name it, I have an excuse for not taking it. And yes, there is also excitement and I guess I am feeling a little of that also.
When I first started writing, doing this – a blog of all things, was the furthest thing from my mind. I truly thought it was just for me – to try to put some sense to my life – to put some order to the chaos that has accompanied me on this journey. Some of the writings come from deep in my past and others from my more recent past but they all are filters through which I see my present. For better or for worse they impact me today sometimes more so than they did at the time they happened. Emotionally I feel like a game of 52 card pick-up and this is the scramble to put all the cards back in order!
Out of my past, no matter how awful I feel it is, or how much I want to deny a good portion of it, there is redemption. There is healing. He has walked these roads with me and is made strong in my weakness.
God certainly seems to have something else planned for these very private words. Out of my past – out of the long buried insecurities and shame – He is trying to teach me. And just perhaps, as I learn my lessons, someone else can learn from my mistakes. So no, maybe not just for me . . .
I am taking my first step. I will write out of my winters, clinging to the promise of spring. Trusting that He does indeed make all things new.
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19