Have you ever felt totally alone? Have you ever wondered why God would seemingly abandon you when you needed Him the most? And why in those times is it so hard to pray?

I get up from my chair and walk over to the large plate glass windows overlooking Children’s Way. Cars zip by, others turn into the hospital where we are, all oblivious to this woman at the window. I can’t make sense of what is happening and why we are here. {see When I Am Afraid and Be Still And Know for the backstory} I’m angry. I want to reach out, to cry out to God but He is the one I am angry with. I blink back tears. I want to beat on these windows until they break, much like I am breaking inside. Maybe if they shatter I can escape all of the thoughts screaming inside my head.

Why does she have this thing growing inside of her? Why couldn’t you just do one of those miracle things and make it disappear? The surgeon is 98% sure it is just a lipoma – a harmless, benign, fatty tumor. Why is that 2% so worrisome? Why such a big deal? That 2% is why we are here. Why it needs to be removed. Yes, I read all about what that small percentage could mean. Damn that 2%! Just damn. And seriously, where are you? Why aren’t you here with me? Why have you allowed this?

But not once have I said, “Lord, I need you. I can’t do this.” Why am I so afraid to let go? To admit I am not strong enough on my own. To accept the fact that He is good all the time, no matter what the outcome. When will I learn, dare I say it, that I can trust Him? Yes, there it is again. My struggle with trust. Will it ever get any easier for me?

True to form, I have been doing this all by myself for the last two months. Staying strong, acting like it’s no big deal so she won’t worry about it, so her brothers won’t worry about it. Shouldering all of the anxiety and stress all on my own. I have brushed it off with a ‘no need to borrow trouble until we know something for sure’ kind of attitude. And it’s taken its toll. I’m at the edge and feel like the very next breath will send my spiraling out of control. In my hurry to lay blame I forgot to look around and see that He was with me all along. Maybe not int a ‘Jesus came and spoke directly to me’ kind of way, but He was always here.

In the cafeteria when I had to text my husband not to talk to me right now because I would have totally lost it. You know – the sobbing, mascara running, ugly cry kind of losing it. He simply texted back, “I’m here.”And in his words here the night before.

In Audra’s calm assurance when she told the doctor, “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

In the prayers that covered her from 22 women on a bus as they made their way to a women’s retreat.

In the thoughts and prayers of friends far and near.

In these words from one of my oldest and dearest friends. “Picture our embrace. My breath in your hair, your breath on my shoulder. Intimate friendship. Sharing space that we are both so thankful for. Life shared; the good and the bad, the fears and the triumphs, the strength and the weakness. And if we breathe together in this embrace, please hear me utter a prayer... God cover us, surround us, strengthen us. Our hearts hurt. We are weak. Together make us strong.”

Yes, His breath in my hair as He simply said, I’m here.

 

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms 
and carries them close to his heart; He gently leads those that have young.”
Isaiah 40:11 
 
 

This article has 4 comments

  1. Duane Scott Reply

    Oh, I'm so very sorry, dear.

    This is beautiful. Your words and your friends.

    But would you mind telling us… how did it turn out?

    I'm praying!

    • Carol Vinson Reply

      Duane, thanks so much for taking the time to stop by. And for the kind words!

      And yes, I do have beautiful friends!

      Audra is doing great. That very afternoon you would have never known she ever had surgery if you weren't told. The results of the biopsy were benign! It was what they suspected – thanks for asking.

  2. Floyd Reply

    Fear… Fear of not getting what we want and when we want it… It is a hard thing to grasp that our Father either causes or allows all things. Even harder to grasp that it is always the best thing for us. In His arms and reverence we find calm in the storm. I'm praying for and your daughter, Carol. You're not alone, sister.

    • Carol Vinson Reply

      Floyd, thank you so much! Yes, it is hard to grasp that He is always good no matter the circumstance. Holding on tightly to that always…

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