“And Jesus looks us in our little-bit-older-eyes and says ‘everything you’ve held this far, let go and wade out in the deep with me.’ That’s the invitation to deeper church. For that matter, it’s also the invitation to deeper family, deeper story, deeper life – the whole shebang. You spend a good portion of your early life learning the rules and then, well, you get the chance to learn to break them.” John Blase A Deeper Church
How many of us have prayed for God to empty us and fill us with more of Him? I know I have more times than I can count.
How many of us have truly meant that prayer? I know for me, more times than I care to admit, I didn’t.
I asked and am not really sure I meant it this time – but He had other plans for me. He pushed me right in! And is probably still laughing, all the while saying, be careful what you ask for. Honestly, if I had known what I was in for, I probably would never have asked.
I was disillusioned. Questioning my faith, my relationships, my sanity at times. I was dissatisfied with my life. With my relationship with my husband, my friends, and with my God. Don’t get me wrong, my life was fine but on the inside I was hiding. Hiding behind decades of lies. Some spoken over me by others and some that I told myself. I was afraid to be honest and embrace everything that entailed. As I began to question all the things I believed He had no choice but to toss me into the deep. It was the only way I would go.
There is a catch though. I have to let go of all of my lifelines. He wants all of me – and that means letting go of the things that have defined me for the past 50 years. Thats a hard thing to do. Actually allow my foundation to be ripped from under me. To absolutely and completely trust that He knows what He is doing. I have to admit, that’s a difficult thing for me. He never guaranteed that it would be easy in the deep but He is the one thing that is constant. Truly, what more can I ask?
Still I struggle against drowning here by holding on to the very foundation He wants to rebuild. Why is it, when we are drowning, we fight the very person sent to save us? When I stop struggling, when I put my trust in Him, He reaches down shows me how to float. At this moment, I am floating. It doesn’t mean I will be tomorrow or the next day or even in the next hour. In the next few weeks you will get a glimpse of my voyage into the deep. At times there are definitely storms. Waves that threaten to capsize. But there are also times when the sea is smooth as glass. Times when I haven’t forgotten to trust . . .
“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise – in God I trust and am not afraid.” Psalm 56:3-4