I am six months into my Year Of Trust.

Stuck in the in-between. You know the place. The middle of nowhere.

I had totally picked out another word as my OneWord and had plans for a new tattoo to celebrate my mastery of it. But of course, things didn’t go as I had planned. I never wanted trust as my word for the year to begin with.

Not. Even. One. Little. Bit.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to trust, I really do. It’s just that trust and I don’t have a particularly amicable history together. Probably why I was dragged kicking and screaming to accept trust as my mantra for the year! Once I stopped wrestling with the idea though, I began to imagine how the year would progress. Trust was His idea after all so I just knew it would be full of God moments. Times when I would clearly see His hand at work in my life, teaching me the art of trusting. And when I made it to the end of this OneWord year I would be able to celebrate…

But not before enduring the in-between. Stuck here in the middle of nowhere.

And what do you typically think of when you are stuck in the middle of nowhere? How endless this part of the journey seems. How excruciatingly boring. The anticipation you felt at the beginning has worn off and you just can’t quite see your destination any longer. The journey no longer holds any excitement. You become complacent in the in-between.

Except that’s not how the in-between has been for me.

There have been things that were supposed to be God moments that feel as if they are straight from the depths of hell. Things that have me balancing on the edge of my beliefs. Situations that have me thinking that if they are indeed from God, I want no part of them. Or of Him.
  

“When trust is shattered, and my heart is in a million pieces at my 
feet, how the fuck do I put myself back together again? 
How do I break free from the bondage of betrayal? 
How can I learn to trust when I feel like 
I have been left bleeding and alone?”
 

I am completely at the end of myself. Trust has been elusive at best these past six months. My trust in Him shaken to the very foundation. I have begged and pleaded for answers. Shaken my fists at Him on more than one occasion. Subjected Him to my anger. My tears. My confusion. My disappointment. Wondering where He has been all of this time. Wondering why He has been silent.

I’m hanging on for dear life to the very thread He gave me and watching it unravel before my eyes.

And there’s nothing I can do about it. Except let go.

I know that’s what He wants me to do. Even in the silence, I can hear a very quiet whisper.  

“Let go. I will catch you. I’ve always been here. 
I’m just waiting for you to give me your hand. 
You know I love you. You can trust me…”

  
Where do I find the courage to let go of that thread?

 

“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10  

This article has 7 comments

  1. Sherri Coleman Reply

    Carol, thats great! So many of us stay in the in-between. I know I do. I appreciate your honesty. Most people, including myself, stuggles with being honest with themselves. Keep up the good work. Hang in there. I know that God will ricly bless you.

    • Carol Vinson Reply

      Sherri, thank you so much! Hanging in there is proving to be difficult. Appreciate the encouragement…

      Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Tina Thompson Reply

    I am right there with you Carol. I am having a hard time with that same word "trust". And that is trusting God, but also trusting people. I'm stuck in that in between stage. Thank you for being so open and honest.

    • Carol Vinson Reply

      I wish I could skip the in-between and just be where I need to be! But then I guess I would never really learn the art of trusting.

      I'm learning that being completely honest about what I am feeling is part of my road to trusting. Definitely not an easy thing.

    • Carol Vinson Reply

      Actually both. I absolutely have a difficult time trusting people. People will always let us down in some form or fashion due to our own expectations. For me, that has a direct correlation to how I trust God. I have to admit, it's really hard to let go and do that. I think for me I have a hard time believing that He has my good always at the forefront and that He really loves me.

      Ultimately I have to trust Him with my heart. That's the hard thing for me.

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