I am six months into my Year Of Trust.
Stuck in the in-between. You know the place. The middle of nowhere.
I had totally picked out another word as my OneWord and had plans for a new tattoo to celebrate my mastery of it. But of course, things didn’t go as I had planned. I never wanted trust as my word for the year to begin with.
Not. Even. One. Little. Bit.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to trust, I really do. It’s just that trust and I don’t have a particularly amicable history together. Probably why I was dragged kicking and screaming to accept trust as my mantra for the year! Once I stopped wrestling with the idea though, I began to imagine how the year would progress. Trust was His idea after all so I just knew it would be full of God moments. Times when I would clearly see His hand at work in my life, teaching me the art of trusting. And when I made it to the end of this OneWord year I would be able to celebrate…
But not before enduring the in-between. Stuck here in the middle of nowhere.
And what do you typically think of when you are stuck in the middle of nowhere? How endless this part of the journey seems. How excruciatingly boring. The anticipation you felt at the beginning has worn off and you just can’t quite see your destination any longer. The journey no longer holds any excitement. You become complacent in the in-between.
Except that’s not how the in-between has been for me.
There have been things that were supposed to be God moments that feel as if they are straight from the depths of hell. Things that have me balancing on the edge of my beliefs. Situations that have me thinking that if they are indeed from God, I want no part of them. Or of Him.
I am completely at the end of myself. Trust has been elusive at best these past six months. My trust in Him shaken to the very foundation. I have begged and pleaded for answers. Shaken my fists at Him on more than one occasion. Subjected Him to my anger. My tears. My confusion. My disappointment. Wondering where He has been all of this time. Wondering why He has been silent.
I’m hanging on for dear life to the very thread He gave me and watching it unravel before my eyes.
And there’s nothing I can do about it. Except let go.
I know that’s what He wants me to do. Even in the silence, I can hear a very quiet whisper.
Where do I find the courage to let go of that thread?