I wrote a post last week. Trust In The In-Between.
Normally that’s not a big deal except that it had been a while since I had posted anything. Life happened and I found my heart turned inside out. Emotionally I was a mess. Any day that didn’t dissolve into tears was considered a good day. Please keep in mind that ‘good’ is a relative term here. I was at an absolute loss for words. Or at least any that could make sense of the chaos of my heart.
When the words finally did come, I agonized over them. Struggling to put what I was feeling onto paper. To put a voice to what was going on inside. I have to say, I was not in a good place. The words that finally came reflected that. And they were exactly what needed to come from the deepest places of my hurt. I knew that once I hit publish, there would be no going back.
I shared my struggle with my OneWord. Trust. Honestly, struggle makes it sound too easy. It’s been an all out battle for my heart. For the very foundation of what I believe and have been trying to hang onto. A battle for relationships…with those closest to me and with God. The enemy has had a field day with my insecurities. Attacking those tender, bruised places in my soul over and over and over and over again. And when I put what that was like into words I was attacked again.
But the attack didn’t come from my familiar enemy.
I was blind-sided by the church. By the very people in whom I should be able to find shelter. The very place I should be safe. Safe to expose those dark places. Safe to express the cry of my heart. I was looking for sanctuary and found judgement instead.
All because I used a four-letter word.
I wasn’t trying to be provocative or sensationalistic. It was a deep, guttural response to the intensity of what I was feeling. And the frustration that those feelings produced. Nothing more. Nothing less. At first I was offended and angry. Indignant even. Then the reality of what happened hit me and I was hurt all over again. My trust betrayed once more.
What is it that we, the church, are afraid of?
The fact that the word was used or the honest emotions the word represented?
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.”